me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.