I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”