My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
The only equipped I am is ill.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living