Peter Parker Peter Driver
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Waiting for the Charmin
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Discuss
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.