“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die