We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”