“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH