HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen