Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
socratic questions
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”