When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Finally!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?