Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
and now we wait
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.