I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
put ‘er there pardner!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫