*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Dishonest mechanic?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”