[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You Might Also Like
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
next question.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.