Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan