Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.