God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?