“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”