When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.