me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
When you’ve simply given up.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Friends that check up on you >
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with