morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.