If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.