Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
the three genders
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus