Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.