me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You Might Also Like
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”