she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
lmfao
Time heals everything 🙂
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.