nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.