If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.