Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
How funny!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
As the Lord intended
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag