The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Never let them know your next move 😂
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m awake but I object,
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails