I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
When I grow up, I want to be 16
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
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I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.