Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Your honor these allegations are
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.