Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
😜
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
This kid is going places
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
catch me on valentine’s day like
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit