You Might Also Like
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My favorite farside!!
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir