There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Namaste
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old