“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
fixed it
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them