Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.