[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
How it started How it’s going
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.