“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own