If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.