I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks