Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.