I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
🛁
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Name another movie that mislead you?