ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Breaking news:
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside