witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Stonehinge
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?