I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.