Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Cats are still liquid.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done