-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what