Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.