DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Brands during Pride
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.